Things I Tell Myself
by DirtyAim
Summary: Despite his budding romance with Amanda, Jack's subconcious isn't quite ready for him to give up on Emily Thorne... Rated M for language and future content *june 2015* I will try to continue this story after popular request. It will go au from the series though, I will try and post soon-ish :)
1. EGO VS ID

**AN**-This little piece is un-betaed, so if you find any mistakes please share them nicely or keep them to yourself. This takes place sometime in the 'Loyalty' timeline. Hope you enjoy!

**1. EGO VS ID**

Jack was dreaming again.

The sand and surf were cool beneath his feet. The sun was just rising, casting a gorgeous array of yellows and pinks across the sky. It was Jacks favorite time of day.

Of course, all of these things weren't really what tipped him off that he was having a run through his favorite dreamscape, oh no.

It was because _she_ was there; and she shouldn't be.

Standing against the incoming swells, she was a vision lovelier than the scene she was currently gazing at. She was dressed simply in a white cotton dress, not one of those ostentatiously expensive pieces she always seemed to be wearing with the Graysons.

Jack knew deep down why his mind probably chose to see her this way, but for some reason this just seemed to really fit her more than anything else he had ever seen her wear. It made her more approachable, more _his_.

But that was the whole problem wasn't it? She wasn't his...and he shouldn't still want her to be.

She _really_ shouldn't be here.

Slowly, almost as if he were dragged by an unseen rope, Jack walked down the beach until he was standing next to her. He refused-for now-to look directly at her. In his peripheral he could tell that she never turned to look at him, didn't move her body closer to his like she had numerous times before.

They stood in a silence together that, for all its picture of serenity, was quietly charged with that THING that always seemed to be between here, the charge made his body practically shake with the effort it took not to grab her, to not devour her mouth with his until all he could taste were her sighs. Her body would sink against him, trying desperately to mold with his because they just couldn't get close enough...and he would hold her as if he couldn't bear to ever let her go, as if it would destroy his very being to be denied her love.

Jack clenched his hands into fists at his sides. This was a dream, not reality.

"What are you doing here?" His voice was calm, but his tone still held a hint of hostility. He could see from the corner of his eye that she turned to face him, but he kept his face stony and straight forward. He didn't want to see the expression on her's.

"I was waiting for you Jack. Ill always wait for you." She said softly.

The last part made him finally turn and meet her eyes with frustration. "

That is not true and you know it! This isn't Real! Your with Grayson, your not waiting for me, you never even wanted me! I finally have Amanda back, I want HER, so why are you still here?"

Emily's eyes were bottomless. Privately, Jack would admit that he thought they were her most beautiful and enticing feature. He could easily get lost in their depths and happily drown there, but now they were filled with a deep sadness. It was the same expression she had shown when he had foolishily thrown his heart at her.

His outburst didn't phase her at all. Instead, she just smiled. "Yes, All of those things are true, but that doesn't mean that this isn't as well."

Jack's ran his hands through his hair and over his face for a moment before looking at her again. "Yes it does. You didn't want me Emily. You told me I was tearing my heart out for the wrong girl. You got ENGAGED for Christ sake! This-" he gestured between them, "this is just my mind being screwed up and it needs to stop, Okay? It needs to stop. I love Amanda, so please, just leave me alone!"

Emily's expression had grown distant with each word, and Jack desperately hoped he had made his point to his subconscious.

He couldn't keep fighting her, even if she wasn't real.

After a moment she finally said "You don't really mean that, do you."

It was a statement, not a question. Jack wisely kept his mouth shut.

"I am so sorry that I hurt you that night, and I know that it hurts to see me with Daniel, but I _do_ love you Jack."

Jack shook his head. "NO, no you don't! I am just telling myself something I shouldn't even want to hear anymore!"

At this Emily cocked her head to the side for a moment. "But Amanda does? Have I ever asked you to be anything but who and what you are Jack? Has that feeling you get around me ever surfaced with her?"

Emily's face suddenly turned angry, which surprised him because Jack didn't think that he had ever seen the real Emily as anything other than mildly annoyed. Some odd part of Jacks brain found it incredibly interesting how both Emily and Amanda could share the same eye color, but looking into her dangerously glittering eyes was a completely different experience for him. Those same eyes narrowed and Jack could practically feel the disdain dripping from her voice.

"Amanda shows up unannounced for the first time in over fifteen years and doesn't even tell you her identity right away? Next she's acting out of control and then complains about your personality to compensate for her bad behavior Jack!"

"No! She's adjusting to being back, to being with me. She had a horrible time of it while she was gone and being here with the memories of her dad only makes that worse."

"You mean the memories she didn't even remember the first day she was here?" Emily countered. "That is pretty convenient, to be able to claim memory loss whenever it suits her."

"Hey, you don't know shit about what she's been through. I can't believe your saying this, I can't believe I am doing this to myself!" Jack shouted angrily."

"And I can't believe that you want to give up what you feel for a memory that isn't real anymore!"

Emily was pleading with him now. "She isn't the same, Jack. She isn't the little girl you fell in love with, she has even admitted as much. Little Amanda Clarke is _gone_. In her place is a slightly unhinged woman with a murky past, few scruples and an unstable temperament!"

"I don't care, I love her! We will find out who she is together, and I am not going to let her down by wishing she was you!" Emily watched him but said nothing. Pain and sorrow were etched across her face and it still hurt him to see her looking like that, real or imagined.

Jack jerked away and took a few steps back from her. He needed the distance to do this. He _had_ to do this.

"I don't want you anymore Emily. I finally have Amanda back. I have loved her since we were kids and she's actually there, in the real world! She care's about me, and that is more than I could have ever asked for. I'm not letting anything ruin what we have now that I finally have the chance to show her how much she means to me."

Jack could hear the desperation in his own words, but he wouldn't back down, not from this.

Amanda deserved nothing less than his whole heart, and for the longest time that had never been a problem. In some of his darker moments, Jack had wondered if a large part of him would always feel that way and never make room for someone else, never give him the chance to fall in love again.

Apparently irony was a bitch.

He waited for Emily to shout or scream at him that he was lying, or hell, maybe even disappear before his eyes like some apparition.

She did none of those things.

Instead, she took a slow deliberate step towards him; then another, and another. Jack was suddenly reminded of what happen's to deer when it was caught in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle: paralysis, adrenaline, and a sheer knowing of impending doom.

That was exactly how Jack felt as Emily closed the distance and reached for his face.

The first tingle of awareness flowed through him and she leaned in. "Do you remember what you said to me that night Jack?" He said nothing but Emily continued."You told me how this feeling, **this** feeling, only comes along once or twice in a lifetime if were lucky, and we should seize it immediately. You described it so beautifully Jack.. it was perfect."

Her voice was achingly tender when she spoke, causing a familiar echo in his heart.

Ok, one last ditch effort... "You- or more importantly I- forget that you told me that I was saying it to the wrong girl ." He pointedly reminded her.

"And you forget that I never said that you were alone in what you felt. Only that I was sorry."

Jack felt the bottom give out beneath him and that gave Emily all the opportunity she needed. She grabbed his slackened hand and entwined their fingers at the same time she closed the distance and gave his soul what it had been dying for. The feel of her, it was so real in this place that all he wanted to do was drown in it, in this easy connection between them.

Now he was lost; lost because he was so confused and he didnt care because she was here, here with him now and kissing with so much passion and tenderness he felt his heart breaking into a million pieces.

But she said... she had told him...

After an eternity and a supreme effort Jack broke away. "If that is true, than why Emily? Why Grayson? Why wont you be with me?" He asked desperately. Jack placed his hands on either side of her face and willed an answer from her.

A look of regret passed over her and Jack felt his buoyed hope turn to lead in his stomach. " You know I cant answer that. But I have never said that I loved him Jack." She whispered.

"You've never said that to me either." Jack countered a little bitterly.

Emily looked at him meaningfully and cupped his face. "Maybe not with words."

Then she proceeded to show just what she meant with her mouth.

Jack Porter woke suddenly, his body shooting straight up in bed.

He was breathing as if he had run a marathon and unfortunately was sweating to match. Remnants of the dream were still echoing through his mind, so it took him a minute to realize that he was in bed, with Amanda snoring softly at his side.

_Ill always wait for you...Jack..._

Groaning in frustration at the memory, Jack covered his face and sank back once more against his pillow. He hadn't considered being quiet-because normally Amanda slept like the dead-but now she groggily threw one arm over his torso and garbled a barely intelligible "you ok baby?"

Jack immediately felt guilty so he swept a soothing hand over her hair. "Yeah...yeah, just a dream. I'm sorry for waking you up, go back to sleep sweetheart."

But he needn't have bothered since Amanda had already drifted back into her coma. Her arm was still lying limply over him and for some reason all Jack wanted to do at that moment was move it. After a moments deliberation he did just that and quietly maneuvered out of bed.

Needing some time to clear his head, Jack shuffled his way over to his bathroom and started a cold shower. Twenty miserable minutes later he emerged a little more awake but no less confused.

He found himself next to his bed and for a minute he watched Amanda sleep. At that moment her face showed an inner peace he never saw when she was awake. Even when she was with him and her eyes glowed with enthusiasm, there was still a restlessness about her that didn't seem right to him.

Of course he had never acknowledged it before, not even to himself.

_Well that is not true, otherwise my subconscious wouldn't be trying to shove it into my waking selfs' face._

Growing more disturbed the more he thought about it, Jack abandoned his vigil and decided to locate Sammy and take the old dog for a walk down the beach.

Of course, when he reached Sammy's favorite sleeping spot, the old dog was gone-and all of the sudden he knew where he would find him...again.

Jack cursed a single word for his luck.

"Damnit!"


	2. To Take A Moment

**AN- Bet you thought I would never update, huh. :P  
>Again, this is un-betaed so please share any mistakes that are found nicely, I did try to remove them all.<strong>

**o.0.o**

**2. TO TAKE A MOMENT**

Jack walked brusquely up the sandy path to Emily Thorne's place... and for once he was not happy about it.

The frustration and anger that he had felt throughout his dream had only carried on to his waking reality and it was really pissing him off.

He had Amanda Clark, the girl he had loved since forever! He didn't need any of this unrequited bullshit anymore and that should be that.

Jack scowled as he neared the top of the Hill. He was just here to get Sammy. He wouldn't stay to chat, other than to apologize to Emily- AGAIN- that his dog seemed to have an unhealthy fixation with her.

_"Oh I'm sorry, but my dog seems to love you even more than his previous owner. How odd you say? Why yes it is, especially since I seem to have the same problem..."_

Jack stopped dead in his tracks before he reached the top.

**No.**

That simple word encompassed a cornucopia of feelings and quandaries, and Jack just wasn't going to do it anymore, so he continued up the hill.

Of course, that resolution died the moment he reached the top and looked to the porch of Emily's house.

On the swing that he had recently fixed (and secretly considered his), a serenely sleeping Emily sat cuddled with an equally comfy dozing Sammy. The geriatric canine was lying across Emilys lap, his head resting in the crook of the arm that held him. Emily's face was buried into Sammy's coat, apparently uncaring of smelling like dog as she nuzzled him.

Something that had been coiled tightly inside of Jack loosened with a sigh.

Much later Jack would remember that Sammy never cuddled Amanda like that, nor had he ever seen her show as much love towards her previous pet as this almost stranger did right now. Of course, at this moment, Amanda was the furthest thing from Jack's mind.

Feeling as though he were caught up in some weird trance, Jack approached the sleeping pair quietly,even making sure to skip the second step that creaked when he reached the porch.

Time seemed to slow to a crawl, but still too soon he was crouched in-front of the swing, staring silently at the woman lying asleep in it.

God he had never seen someone look so beautiful as they slept. The way her eyelashes rested her skin, the gentle glow of the sunrise against the gold of her hair and all the million other little things he could name were quickly driving his control into the ground.

The urge to touch her, to prove she was flesh and blood and not just another of his dream apparition's was maddening.

His hand was already halfway outstretched before he fully realized what he was doing. Unable-or perhaps unwilling- to stop, his fingers came into contact with the silkiness of her hair.

Jack released a shaky breath.

_Stop...I need to stop...this is so wrong, but oh god...I...I want..._

Responding to his own unfinished thought, Jacks fingers ghosted with the lightest caress against Emily's cheek. Oh so slowly they traced a path by the side of her eyes till they reached the curve of her chin and he rested his fingers against her throat.

Jack had never touched Emily's skin before, not in the flesh. There had always been something unspoken about her that had asked him to not come too far into her personal space. He had also read that same message when she interacted with others around him, but at those times there had been an edge to her message, almost a warning. Jack had always suspected that

Emily hid a heavy vulnerability under of veneer of grace and control.

So now that he had done what he had only allowed himself in dreams, Jack was wholly unprepared for just how affected he was by it. His blood pounded, the sound rushing his ears and his hands trembled ever so slightly. The bottom to Jack's reality had dropped out from beneath him and suddenly it would be so easy to believe that he was in one of his dreams with her, the Emily who loved him...as Jack loved her.

Seduced by this idea Jack leaned in, his eyes trained upon Emily's sleeping face.

_One kiss...it could sustain him for a lifetime...if she would grant him this one time..._

His lips were centimeters from her gently parted ones. He could taste her breath as it softly fanned his mouth.

Jack closed his eyes, his heart thudding painfully in his chest...

...and pulled away.

The ache ate at him as Jack re-opened his eyes to look at Emily. The feeling of familiarity, of ease and right was excruciating.

But she was not right... she was not familiar and she was not his... and he could never steal from her.

Never her.

A different sleeping girl had entrusted her broken heart to him, something he had cherished long before she even realized and it terrified him to the core that he could forget that so easily. He could never betray her.

Never her.

Unsettled and unsure of himself, Jack turned his body and his heart away from their temptation and watched the waves break upon the shore.

**o.0.o **

Emily woke to the sound of the second porch stair letting out a groan of protest. Years of harsh training under Takaeda ensured that she was immediately alert, but the fact that she was outside and not in her bed gave Emily a moment's uncertainty.

_That's right...I was watching the beach, waiting for the sunrise when Sammy showed up..._

As if knowing the content of her thoughts, the dog in question let out a happy bark as he scrambled from her lap to greet his other owner. Already missing the warmth Sammy provided, Emily decided to make it appear as though she were struggling to wake up Emily clumsily sat up to watch the pair.

Jack crouched down and lovingly greeted his dog. There was such a quiet strength to Jack's gentleness, that it often took Emily's breath away. And when he looked at her with a gaze that seemed to pierce through every pretense that she had crafted around herself, Emily had to fight the urge to break.

She would never tell him the truth; she was in too deep and it would hurt them both too much-but she might be tempted to bend the rules, and that was far more dangerous.

"I am so sorry that this keeps happening. I have no idea why this old geezer here is so attached to you." Jack joked apologetically.

"I'm pretty sure that I know how he has been getting out, so as soon as I get home I will fix the problem, so I promise, this is the last time he will come barging in on you."

_Last time?_

"Jack, I don't mind, really. I love having Sammy come by and visit me." Emily replied sincerely.

"That's very kind of you, but if you haven't noticed Sammy is kind of getting on in years, and its dangerous for him to just be wondering around without supervision."

Emily gently nodded her head in acquiescence, even though she was sure that Jack recognized his own excuse.

"Of course. I wouldn't want anything to happen to him, I've grown rather fond of Sammy."

Jack smiled tightly.

What she said was more than the truth. Sometimes it felt like Sammy was the only one who knew her for her, and not for who she once or still was. She loved him, and right now he was the only thing in her life she had the luxury to love

Emily could see that Jack was firm in this decision, but she could not tell why. His face was open and friendly like usual, but his eyes were pinched with stress and his left hand continually flexed and clenched at his side.

Jack was agitated about something.

_It probably has something to do with having to see me..._

As it usually happened with Jack, Emily had a harder time than normal suppressing the surge of emotion that she felt at the idea of him not wanting to see her.

Of course EmilyThorne was rational. She knew that befriending him only brought Jack into danger and that wanting his attention after refusing him was an unnecessary cruelty, and therefore had been trying to distance herself as much as possible from the beginning. But the part of her that was still Amanda Clarke craved his presence in her life, and so she cried at the idea of him not wanting to see her anymore, even if he didn't really know who she was.

Sshhhh...its for the best...

Abruptly Jack stood up and turned back towards the porch steps. " Well, I gotta get going. There's some stuff that still needs to be done before the Stowaway can be opened, and I don't want Amanda to wake up without me there, she tends to get a bit anxious if she cant find me."

_Ill just bet she does..._

The vitrol of Emily's thoughts did not surprise her, nor did the jealousy she felt accompanying them. She had accepted that Jack was no longer hers, she even welcomed the idea of him finding love with someone deserving.

It was just that... Emily felt that _Amanda_ was far less than deserving, and Emily definitely didn't trust the little psychopath to not utterly destroy Jack's heart.

But Jack was looking at her expectantly, obviously in a hurry to be leaving. Pulling her thoughts together, Emily offered up a small smile.

"Of course. Be sure to tell Amanda hello for me, and that I hope she is settling in ok."

Again Jack offered her up a tight smile before he whistled for Sammy to follow him. Thankfully, Sammy only gave a token resistance after she told him it was ok and followed his master down the walk of the beach.

Emily followed him with her eyes, but he didn't look at her again.

So alone once more, sitting on the swing that Jack had fixed (that she secretly thought of as his), Emily watched the man she loved walk away from her towards another.

**o.0.o**

**AN- Sorry that this chappie is a little shorter. One more to go I think, Strictly Empov. **

**Thank you to all who faved, alerted, and reviewed the first chapter, you made my day!**

**If you like this chapter please leave some love, even if its just a word ^_^**


	3. Calls In The Night

**An:** First of all, Huge Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, faved or alerted this story. You Guys make my day! ^_^ I know I said that it would be Epov this time, but it went a different direction. Hope you like!

**CALLS IN THE NIGHT**

~(*)~

Month's of nothing. That's what Jack had turned up during his search for Amanda. Countless nights driving towards possible leads only to have them turn into definite dead-ends.

Jack sighed as he checked into his latest cheap motel for the night. Blindly he shuffled over to the full bed in the middle of the room and collapsed on it, not even bothering to turn on the light or take off his clothes.

The solid silence around him was perfect for his mood right now. He didn't want to think about anything, about anyone. He didn't want to have to care.

Jesus he couldn't take anymore of this shit.

Jack decided that he would implement his plans for a night of much needed relief and opened the bottle of Jack he had brought in with him. The irony of course, was not lost on him. It was for that very reason that he had never drank that much of it in the past; so it would probably kick his ass tonight.

Of course, he couldn't drink _that_ much. He still had to be able to drive and check out his next lead tomorrow, to be Stand Up Jack and search for the girl who seemed to like tearing out his heart as a sport...but that was tomorrow and tonight he just wanted oblivion.

With a silent salute he tipped the bottle and let the burn begin.

~(*)~

Jack was still awake and it was pissing him off.

He was pretty sure that he had been going at it for a least a couple of hours. He couldn't see, but Jack could tell by the sound of a bottle how full it was and his sounded at least halfway empty. Even so, Jack was pissed because he could still think-sorta.

Random images of him and Amanda, of Declan, his Father, even his damn dog kept flashing their little montage's in front of his face and it was ruining the buzz he was trying to achieve.

Couldn't one fucking thing go his way, really? Was it to much to fucking ask to be too drunk to think for one night?

_Hell, you would think as a professional bartender I would know how to get myself wasted..._

Groaning he rolled over to throw the bottle into the wastebasket beside the bed. After all, what was the use?

Jack's I-phone fell out of his jacket pocket and landed with a soft thud onto the carpeted floor, the illuminated screen flashing a picture of him and Declan.

He had removed the picture of Amanda a few weeks ago. It had been too painful to look at when it was becoming glaringly obvious that she had just run away from him again.

The picture of him and Declan had been taken two years ago, back when their father was still alive, when things had been stressed and crazy, but not like this. Lately his life, all their lives for that matter, were just reaching increasing levels of fucked up.

_I really should have just gone to Haiti when I had the chance._

Half wanting to get his mind off of depressing thoughts and the other half wanting to make sure his brother was ok, Jack decided to give Declan a call and check up on him. Of course, the fact that he himself was piss drunk and probably couldn't make an intelligent phone call to save his life never entered his inebriated mind.

Fumbling with his phone for several minutes, Jack finally made it to the D's in his contact list and it send on the appropriate phone number;only it wasn't the right phone number at all.

Instead of the young masculine voice of his brother on the other end, the fucking sexiest female Jack had ever heard answered the phone-and Jack recognized her voice immediately.

"Hello, Jack?"

"Emily!"

"Yeah, I'm here..What's up?" Emily asked.

If Jack had been sober he would have calmly explained how he had miss-dialed the number, maybe even laughed about it a little and then proceed to hang up. No harm, no foul.

But he was plastered and hearing her voice had caught him extremely off guard. So of course Jack blurted the first think that came to his mind.

"How did you know it was me?"

Soft laughter came from the other end and Jack felt a warmth unrelated to alcohol shoot up his spine.

"The caller ID. Jack are you ok? You sound a little bit...different."

_Hmmm...how to answer that? Meaning what lie should I tell so as not to worry her..._

"I'm drunk." He blurted.

_Oh fuck me, did I REALLY just say that? Great so apparently I have just enough brain power to make a complete fucking ass of myself._

Emily's response was swift. " Are you ok? Where are you Jack?Are you safe?"

The concern in her voice was plain as day and Jack basked in it like a plant in the sun. How long had it been since someone outside of his brother or Nolan had truly been concerned about him? It felt...nice.

"I'm ok ...you know...not doing so good right now. Thought it would be a great idea to get drunk for the night...but don't you worry your pretty little head! Good ole' Jack will be up bright and early tomorrow!" Jack tried to put some cheer in his voice, but it just sounded fake, even to his own ears.

"Jack, maybe you should take a day off. You know, go sightseeing in the city for day. You've been running yourself ragged and I don't want to see you hurt yourself because of it."

"You don't need to worry about me."

"But I do Jack. I do worry about you. I care about you." She said emphatically

The concern was killing him. In his drunken state, he just couldn't seem to handle it.

"You know" Jack continued, proud that his words were barely slurred, " I used to dream of you. Had to stop that of course, cause it wouldn't be right...not right at all...but you wouldn't go away Emily. I used to yell at you, in my dream, that you didn't want me, that you told me no-but then Dream you would just smile and say that you did...Isn't that crazy? But I had to take care of Amanda, cause she needed me and you were with Grayson."

Jack felt himself slipping as his emotions rose to the surface, and he couldn't help the deluge that came spilling forth.

"But that doesn't matter anymore does it? I mean, she left...she doesn't want me to find her Emily. I loved her and she doesn't want me to find her..." Jack's voice was beginning to break.

"Oh Jack-"

Emily's voice sounded so sad-for him, and Jack couldn't let that continue.

"No, no, it's ok. I just need to move on...Maybe now that Amanda's gone for good,_ she_ will come back..."

"She?" Emily asked.

Jack smiled slightly in the dark, even though Emily couldn't see it. "You, Emily. Well, Dream you anyway. I still feel the same way about you, you know. I just buried it, because it hurt too much to see you with Grayson, and right now, I can feel it!" Jack thumped his own chest in an effort to ease the ache that had settled in his heart. It was different than the pain he felt at losing Amanda, his first love. That feeling was more one of failure, of grief. But right now, sitting in his pitch black hotel room, the thought of Emily Thorne set an ache bone deep growing within him.

Suddenly, the need to know- to know for sure whether or not she felt the same or ever had- was eating at him.

"Did you ever think of me, Emily? Do you ever... now?"

Emily was silent for a moment and Jack suddenly had the terrifying thought that he had freaked her out.

_Oh man, I went too far...I'm being such a fucking creep...of course she never thought of me, she has Grayson, even if he is a potential murderer...oh man, she's never going to want talk to me again..._

"Yes"

She had whispered her answer, almost like she didn't want to hear it herself. But Jack had heard it loud and clear. It made his body paradoxically freeze while his heart picked up to near frantic speeds.

Closing his eyes, Jack asked " Do you still?"

This time the silence before her answer didn't bother him, and when her voice came it held a note of longing.

" Yes, Jack. I think about you...more than you know."

Jack's mouth turned dry and his voice became husky as a result. "Tell me" he begged.

Once again Emily was silent, like she didn't want to answer... but Jack could be patient. He had waited to damn long- without even realizing that he had been- to hear this from her.

He wouldn't let her go without telling him. He needed it too badly.

" It started the very first time we met...and every time thereafter. Your kindness, your heart...Your such a good man Jack-" She paused but then breathed out "-and you have no idea just how much I want you because of it."

" Then why-" he started but Emily cut him off.

"There were reasons Jack. I had reasons for not telling you how I felt that night on the pier, and I can't tell you what they are right now but- Jack- You weren't alone. You've never been alone."

Jack swallowed heavily. He could feel the questions raging inside of him, demanding to be answered, but somehow he knew that if he pushed the issue right now, it wouldn't get him anywhere. He just had to take what she was willing to offer, tonight, right now.

But he wasn't settling just yet. He wanted something from her first.

" I want to hear you say it Emily. I want you to tell me everything you didn't that night." His tone left no room for argument. She could refuse, but for some reason Jack knew that she wouldn't. Emily would give him what he wanted

" This feeling comes along once in a lifetime-but twice if were lucky."

Jack found that an interesting twist to his words, but didn't dwell on it as Emily continued." But I feel like whenever your with me,Jack- my world moves and my heart beats, because something is pulling me forward and surrounding me at the same time...and it's you. Its always been you."

Emily paused and when she continued her tone had dropped to a husky murmur. " I think about you all the time. Your always on my mind. In the middle of the night, when I can't sleep, I think about...I think about us, about what we would be like..._togethe_r."

Jack's breathing had deepened to the point where he was sure that Emily could hear it through the phone, but he didn't care. Right now, he didn't fucking care about anything, except what Emily was telling him and that he wanted _more_.

Alone in this hotel room, with no one to hear him but Emily, he felt different- he could let some of the darker parts of himself be seen, and she wouldn't mind. With Amanda, he had always been the one pulling _her_ out of the dark, but right now, it was his turn.

"Did you fantasize about us Emily?" Jack asked. His voice had lowered , the first hints of restrained lust coloring his tone.

"Yes." She confessed.

"And in your dreams, what were we like Emily? Did we rush things, hot and desperate because of how long we waited? How much we looked, but didn't touch, didn't _take..._"

"No..." She said breathlessly.

"No" He agreed. "I wouldn't rush things with you Emily. We would take our time, to savor every-last-bit. I know I that once I got ahold of you, I would travel every inch of your body and back again. I would find every possible touch that would bring you pleasure, every sensation drawn out until the anticipation became too much. But I still wouldn't give in, not if it meant releasing you. Once I get a-hold of you Emily, I swear to you that I will never let you go."

" I wouldn't want you to Jack. Never." She vowed.

" God I wish I could see you right now!" he breathed.

"I miss you too, but I'll still be here when you get back Jack." Emily promised.

"And then we will talk." It wasn't a question. Jack wasn't going to let her get away, not this time.

"Yes."

All of the sudden the combination of exhaustion and alcohol caught up with him and Jack found himself rapidly crashing. A loud yawn escaped before he could stop himself and Emily chuckled on the other end.

" I think it's time for you to get some sleep." Emily suggested gently.

Jack smiled at her caring nature before swiping a hand over his face.

"Yeah...your probably right. I have an early start tomorrow, I'll be heading back first thing in the morning."

_To you..._

He let the implication hang between them, certain that Emily knew his intentions.

"I'll be waiting for you, I promise. Goodbye Jack."

"Goodnight Emily"

Jack stared at the picture of Emily on the screen of his hadn't looked at this picture in months, since the day he had found Amanda.

The photo was of her on the porch swing, taken without her knowledge. The glow of the sun caught her hair, but it was the look on her face that always drew him to look at this image of her over and over again. Her face was caught in profile, her eyes heavy and far away as she watched the sea.

It wasn't a happy expression, but for all its secrets, it was an honest one. Jack had always felt as if he had witnessed a piece of her that others normally didn't get to see, and to him it had been priceless.

So with this image behind his eyes Jack finally drifted into a dreamless sleep, for once certain that tomorrow would be a better day.

~(*)~

When Jack woke up the next morning, the somewhat surprising hangover made doing anything a real pain in the ass. Every thought, much less movement, caused him sharp stabs of pain-so Jack thought it best to refrain from doing both as much as possible.

So it was understandable that Jack was confused when, in the middle of his shower, his eyes squeezed shut and his forehead pressed against the cool tile- a snippet of a conversation suddenly popped in his head.

_**I still dream about you, you know...**_

Jacks eye's popped open painfully.

_What the?...Oh, oh no!_

**_Tell me everything Emily...Everything you didn't that night..._**

**_Did you fantasize about us?..._**

_Holy mother of God! Was that conversation__** REAL**__?_

Jack was officially freaking out; with a massive hangover.

Only half clean and wholly drenched, Jack frantically struggled to get out of the shower to reach his phone. In his frenzy he managed to slip and fall on his ass, stub his toe on the door frame, and practically collide with the hotel bed as he made a dive for his phone.

_I have to know! I have to know if it was real!_

With shaky fingers Jack quickly found his call history and scrolled through last night, searching for Emily's name...but it wasn't there.

Desperate, he scrolled through every call: outgoing, received, even fucking missed, but nothing connected to Emily's number.

_Maybe she called from someone else's cell, like Nolans? Or maybe there's a weird glitch with the phone and call's were deleting themselves._

Jack chuckled mirthlessly at himself and hung up the phone.

_I guess masochism isn't just for breakfast anymore._

This really was a testament to how low he was getting. He had gotten drunk for one night and ended up making up phone calls in his head to women he has no business thinking about like that. Fuck, he should be thankful it wasn't real, because he could have made a really big mess with Emily.

I need to focus on Amanda right now, and Emily is with Grayson. She never would have said any of those things, she isn't that kind of girl...

**_This feeling comes along once in a lifetime-but twice if were lucky_**

**_I think about us...it's always been you...Jack..."_**

Jack's heart stuttered for a moment before he forced himself to let it go and breath.

The night was over and any dreams he may have had during were now gone with the sun.

So Jack got up, put one foot in front of the other, and made his way back to the shower. Today was a new day to search for Amanda.

~(*)~

**THE NIGHT BEFORE**

At roughly 3 am, when most normal people were trying to get some sleep, Nolan Ross was busy trying to work on his latest software development. So it stood to reason that he should expect to be very rudely interrupted by Emily knocking on his front door.

Of course he complained about the unholy hour and inconvenience of it all-but he was just posturing and they both knew it. He was always happy to have some company, especially hers, no matter the hour...or the reason.

Ushering her into his pretentiously minimalist lounge room, he sat down and waited for her request. After all, that's what her visits were usually about-when she needed something.

For once she just sank on his white leather sofa, shoulders sagged and not at all commanding as she usually was. Nolan offered her a mug of hot cocoa and she actually took a few sips instead of just getting down to business as she normally did.

"Nolan...I need you to do something for me." She asked.

Nolan smirked and reached for his hot cocoa. "Isn't that usually the nature of your visits Em's? How can I be of service to you at this hour hmm? Do you need me to hack into some secret Grayson data base, bug a phone conversation perhaps, no wait- you want me to change someone's status to legally deceased!"

He was teasing her now, the smirk turning into a halfway genuine smile. Once he realized that she wasn't joining in, Emily spoke softy." I need you to delete a phone call from Jack's phone that was made at 1:28 this morning."

Nolan's expression instantly turned wary at the mention of Jack. The Computer Geek had a deep protective streak when it came to the young bartender, especially where Emily was concerned.

"That can be slightly tricky to do remotely, luckily for you I already have a tracker placed in his phone-but pray tell... to whom was the phone call made Em's?"

For once she didn't look at him directly as she spoke, didn't have the normal air of determination or ferocity that she usually did. Instead Emily just looked tired...and a little sad.

"Me." She answered softly and for the first time Nolan watched as tears welled up and spilled silently down her cheeks.

Now he may be a geek but Nolan was also a guy and so a crying female (much less a crying female that could normally hand him his ass-)was not something he was quite adept at dealing with.

Rushing to her side he threw an arm around her shoulders and pulled her to his chest, alarm raising even more when she didn't resist."Whoa hey, its ok! Just tell me what happened Em's and I'll help you! It will be ok, I promise!"

If anything this made it worse and Nolan desperately tried to pour all of his brotherly affection into holding her. In this moment, it was the best solace he could offer. He didn't know what had happened, and for some reason he knew he wouldn't pressure her to tell him, but Nolan was pretty sure he could hear Emily's heart breaking as she quietly cried.

So of course he would do anything she needed him to, no questions asked.

~(*)~

**An:** Anyone notice the Nolan Easter Egg? :) I heart him, but only in a non nemily way. this was intended to be just before Jack goes to the hotel with the chick giving him the run around in 'Doubt'.


	4. Connection

**Connection  
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**~(*)~**

**_Hold it in..._**

Emily's last link to her childhood, the last one of her family to really know who she was, was dying in front of her.

**_Reveal nothing…Just breathe..._**

Jack was crumpling before her eyes, his great love for Sammy becoming an unbearable weight in the face of his imminent death.

**_Don't let it out..._**

Emily couldn't tell when the first tears started. They were already a steady stream on her face by the time she realized she was crying.

All of her training, her cold shield that kept her apart from others, was rendered useless in the wake of this tragedy. Right now she didn't feel like Emily Thorne. Instead she was Amanda Clarke; and her greatest friend was dying in the arms of her greatest love.

Of course she couldn't say anything to Sammy, could not convey the depth of her gratitude, the way Jack was doing. She desperately wanted this last chance to say what was in her heart to her childhood friend.

**_Thank you for taking care of him. I never meant to abandon you, either of you.I am so sorry I left. You were my best friend, my only true friend besides Jack. Thank you for not forgetting me._**

For the first time she could remember Emily prayed; in hopes that Sammy could hear what was in her heart. The effort it took to keep it all inside was killing her. Sammy's dying seemed to encompass all of the heartache and injustice of the last twenty years. Emily wondered if she began to scream, if she would ever be able to stop.

So she pinched and bit her lips in an effort to keep them shut. She would not allow herself to say one word.

But even though she looked away and tried mask the degree of her pain, her hand sought Jack's in comfort. The strength of his grasp, the warm heat of his skin mixed with the wet feel of Sammy's coat all brought a rush of heartbreaking familiarity to Emily.

When the breath had finally left Sammy's tired body, Jack covered his friend and sobbed. Unable to stop, Emily gently pulled him into her arms and wept her apology for so many things as she held him.

**_I'm so sorry about Sammy._**

**_I'm so sorry for leaving-both of you._**

**_I'm sorry that I brought you back into my life, for lying to you, for being unable to protect you. _**

**_I'm so sorry that I couldn't stop loving you…_**

All too soon he let go and lifted his head to look at her. In his eyes Emily recognized the plea to make it all go away, to erase the pain. Her own heart had suffered so much that it was mutilated and misshapen. How could she take away his pain when she didn't know how to live with her own?

Her only answer had been to kiss him.

Oh so gently Emily brought her mouth to his, trying to heal Jack by somehow touching his heart with hers. At first he seemed lost, as if he didn't trust that she was real. Then Emily realized it was more that he didn't trust that she really wanted him.

She understood of course. She had caused his hesitancy with every brush off and denial she had given him. Then the drunken confession happened and Emily had gone against every rule she had, just for the briefest chance to tell Jack how she felt. It had been despicable really, confessing her heart while knowing she couldn't let it stick. Jack must have thought he was crazy the next morning, and a horribly selfish part of her had been grateful that he was hundreds of miles away.

**_It never should have gone that far._**

The moment had seemed surreal; dreamlike. Emily had already been fraught with guilt and worry over how to rescue Daniel, allowing Jack's sadness and candor to catch her off guard in a moment of weakness. But her resolve was stronger than that and Emily had damn well known better. The resulting anger in herself had only caused her to pull further away from Jack.

She kissed him gently, but inside she was starving. In a way it was completely true, because her soul had never known what it was like to truly kiss someone she loved. Now it knew the taste of his breath on her lips, how his skin felt like fire on hers and the strength of his fingers in her hair. It would never be able to survive on the sustenance of another.

Only a heartbeat went by before Jack relaxed and returned her kiss. She had had fevered encounters full of heat and passion. This kiss was the furthest thing from that and Emily felt something inside of her die, because this was so much more. It was a release of two hearts that recognized each other as_ theirs_.

**_This must be what love feels like…_**

Rapidly the kiss deepened, but it still held a slow and meaningful quality. Jack brushed against her lower lip with his tongue and Emily immediately opened to him. Cradling her head, Jack claimed Emily's mouth with every deliberate stroke of his tongue. Emily matched him in every way, eager to show the depth of feeling she was always trying to hide from him.

Jack paused for a moment, still lightly grazing her mouth but his eyes were clenched shut. Emily suddenly had the sickening feeling that she had gone too far.

**_Oh god, I don't want to hurt him anymore…_**

"Are you real?"

His whisper had been so soft and yet so broken that Emily swallowed hard against the sob lodged in her throat.

"Yes…I'm here. I'm real Jack!" Quickly she captured his mouth again, desperately trying to re-establish their connection. Her mouth moved hungrily over his, willing him to believe her. Jack fully let go and matched her ardor, his hands diving back into her hair. Emily moaned and that seemed to only spur Jack further.

He kissed her as though he had been searching for her for years and finally found her. He kissed her like she was something precious and the one thing he couldn't bear to live without. He kissed her exactly the way she loved him.

But all too soon the kisses slowed till he was gently nipping at her skin. His breath fanned heavily against her face as her rested his forehead against hers, his hands gently massaging the back of her neck. Emily's first instinct was to avoid the honesty in his eyes, but tonight she refused. She didn't know what she would choose to do in the future, but for right now she wanted to be honest with him.

Jack seemed to recognize her choice, because a tiny bit of happiness lit up behind the sadness in his eyes. Emily was grateful that for once she could be the one to put it there.

"I should go bury Sammy." He finally said. His voice was like gravel from crying, but it still did things to Emily's stomach.

He made a move to get up but Emily stopped him. "Let me help you? Please?" She begged quietly.

Jack frowned slightly for a moment before looking at her in wonder. "You would do that?"

"It would mean a lot to me Jack." Emily murmured sincerely.

Jack continued to stare at her for a moment, considering. "Would you mind if we buried him here, on your property? This place was his first home and I think he would be happier if he could finally stay."

Emily couldn't seem to respond to this touching gesture, but still managed to nod her agreement. Her heart felt like it would explode from the confusing crush of sorrow and joy that she felt. "Yes! I would actually like that, very much."

Jack smiled gratefully her before swooping in for another heartfelt kiss. "Thank you!" He murmured against her mouth. Emily could only give a watery smile and nod. He had no idea that she would do practically anything for him and yet he was doing the one thing for her that she shouldn't even ask for.

"We better get started, before the ground freezes completely. I have some stuff in the back of my truck that we can use."

_To bury Sammy with._

This reminder of reality brought the grief back to the forefront of their minds. Emily felt her eye's swell with new tears, but as they both rose and then made their way to his truck outside, Emily held on to Jack and him to her. Their connection had not ended when the kiss did, and Emily could feel it pulsing underneath within her, demanding a constant outlet to the man at her side.

She knew that very soon she would have to let go. Not long after that Jack was going to want answers; decisions. Emily wasn't exactly sure what to do with the looming future so fraught with uncertainty. She knew that she would have to take care of business before she could declare anything to him. But she also knew that she wasn't going to let him go. When this was over, she would tell Jack everything. After he realized just what her heart truly looked like, if he decided that he still wanted her-then Emily would spend every moment of the rest of her life showing him how much she loved him.

**~(*)~**

**AN: Next will be the Fauxmanda reunion from Jacks pov. Not sure how much longer I will go with this, because it was meant to be a bunch of in-between oneshots of the series, but I seriously am bot happy with where they went with FauxMandy and Jacks Relationship .  
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